Saturday, September 30, 2006

Hating the Weekend Which is Crazy

Crap. Just crap. What the hell, man, it's like I don't even really care about the chute room or the bags or anything. I just want to call Bazbo. I want to call Bazbo and hear her voice. I want to see Bazbo. She is hot, by the way. I don't know if it's Ape to say that, but she's hot. She's all I can think about, but she was all firm about how I can't call her until I swipe something from one of the bags at work. So I'm all please break please break please break, but nothing. Just a normal week in the chute room. Normal except extra bad in the way that I'm all obsessed with it now, going in all early and staying extra late. And Vanderboom (who is not an asshole, he's just not ready for the Ape--like really, really not ready for the Ape) is being all "Nice to see you've taken stock of your life!" and "Glad to see you've decided to become a team player!"

He is really gonna be dealt with when the time comes.

I'm so depressed. And I can't wait to go back to work on Monday.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Nothing Nothing Nothing

Just sort sort sort. Sort sort sort.

I had a cheeseburger for lunch, with onion rings. It's my favorite lunch.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Still Nothing

Stupid bags.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Nothing Today

I was hoping a bag would break right off the bat, be all fortuitous and lucky. Nope.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

What Bazbo Says

I finally got to talk to Bazbo. She called and we talked for awhile. I was afraid I might've come off freaky because I left so many messages on her voicemail while she was tearing down Ape Camp, but she said she was glad I'm getting so interested in Matters of Ape.

She said I shouldn't think of Vanderboom as an asshole, but consider him not ready for the Ape. I asked her what about if he's never going to be ready for Ape, and she said that could be true and if so it will be dealt with when the time comes, but until then just leave it in the hands of the Ape.

She also said I really can't come work for the Ape yet, just like I was afraid of, but she'll begin making a spot for me. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!

The sucky part is she said I need to keep working in the chute room, and that this is exactly what will make me Ape. The trial I must continue to endure. But she told me what I have to do: I have to keep working in the chute room, and any time the bag splits open I should take something from it. It doesn't matter if it's anything good or not--I just have to take it, hide it, and sneak it home. Which isn't going to be easy, because they check our backpacks and stuff. But it's what I need to do, and I'll do it definitely to Ape as Ape Should.

The supersucky part is that I can't call her again until I've brought something home, so that when I do call she'll know that it's High Priority and she'll drop everything and come right over. I asked her if I could email her and she said she doesn't have email, which blows.

But I have to do what I have to do, because I have to.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

In the Chute Room

Okay, so my job is at this big building downtown where they do all kinds of stuff, but my job is just in the chute room, which is this kind of grimy oversized closet with these three chutes up at the top of one wall, and then these three other chutes on the opposite wall by the floor.

I stand there and these big canvas mail sacks come down the top chutes. They're full of all kinds of stuff and padlocked shut. They've got these serial numbers stencilled across them. If the the serial number ends with a 2, 4 or 8 then I put the bag in the left-hand bottom chute and down it goes. If it ends with a 1, 3, 5, 6, 7 or 9 then I put the bag in the right-hand bottom chute and down it goes. If it ends with a 0, then it's the middle bottom chute. And guess what happens then? Yep, down it goes. It's pretty mindless work, but it's my paycheck so there you have it.

Usually it's really, really boring, except sometimes when a bag comes down one of the top chutes it splits open when it hits the floor. Like, once every couple of weeks or so. Then I hit this big button thing on the wall and a bell begins to ring and I'm supposed to face the wall and close my eyes. When the bell rings my idiotic boss Ed Vanderboom comes in with a cart and a couple other guys, they scoop up the mess and skedaddle on out of there. When the bell quits ringing, I open my eyes and go back to sorting.

Usually there's never anything really to see when a bag splits open, so this whole blind man's bluff thing is retarded. It's generally just a bunch of paper, or a bunch of little cardboard boxes with Christmas ornaments or something. Sometimes there's photos, and once it was a bunch of naked photos but all of ugly people. Mostly it's just a bunch of crap like you'd see at a really bad garage sale where you don't see anything you want.

I'm thinking about telling Vanderboom to screw off on Monday. Bazbo's supposed to get back to town tomorrow, so I'm gonna see what she thinks. I'm hoping maybe she can help get me a job with The Cigar Smoking Ape. I know I'm not nearly Ape enough yet, but I'm hoping maybe she can help put in a good word for me, or whatever.

Three cheers for The Cigar Smoking Ape!

Friday, September 22, 2006

Getting My Priorities Straight

Edward Vanderboom is an asshole. My number one priority is that everyone know this to be true. The guy really is an absolute dick.

After lunch I'm back working in the chute room he comes in and goes, "So, what have you been thinking about?"

And I'm bundling another bag down the chute, and I'm thinking, "I'm thinking you're an asshole."

But I told him, "I don't know," and he says, "Keep thinking, then."

Okay, dude. I think you're a ridiculous little fool who smells like sandwiches, and not in a good way. You're a yeasty smelling cretin who doesn't deserve the time of day. You wear these dumb little shoes on your dumb little feet that you think make you look cool but just make you all the more ridiculous for wearing them. You wear a tie in an office where nobody has to wear a tie. You're a clown. And not a fun clown, either. You're a clown who makes everybody unhappy and wish that you lived under a bridge where you'd cry all the time about how nobody loves you, because nobody does and nobody ever will.

I don't know how much longer I can take this job. I wish Bazbo would get back--she'd help me get my priorities straight. The Cigar Smoking Ape brings us closer to an understanding that positive action is required of us. But when faced with such a negative like Ed Vanderboom, wouldn't smacking him upside the head with a big piece of wood be a positive action?

You bet it would.

Trouble at Work

I'm in ten kinds of trouble at work. I was supposed to be in on Monday, of course, but then I went to Ape Camp instead. And I could have just called in sick, but because part of this whole Ape thing is extreme honesty, I called Ed Vanderboom (the boss of me) and told him I was going to Ape Camp. This morning he called me into his cube and he said I had to make a decision about my priorities.

I'd also brought in all these dubs of the speech and some brochures to give to everybody, and he didn't like that either. I hate to say hate, but I really kind of hate that guy.

It's not even like it's much of a job. I sort bags that come down a chute in the chute room, for crying out loud. It's not like skilled labor, or anything. I used to say a chimp could do it (I really did, I called it "chimp work"), but that was before I knew anything about The Cigar Smoking Ape.

I wish I could get ahold of Bazbo. Bazbo's this girl I met at Ape Camp. She was our Unit Leader, and she's really cool, I like her a lot. But she's still at the site breaking things down and won't be back until Sunday. I don't know what I'll do if I lose this job, I'm kinda check to check as it is.

All right, I'd better go finish my lunch break and get back to it.

A decision about my priorities. Can you believe that? The dude's not even close to Ape. He's non-Ape.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

The Cigar Smoking Ape Will Take You All the Way!

Yow, that was more than a rally, that was an experience. I didn't get back home until late last night and am I ever exhausted. I had no idea I'd be gone for days, but that's the way it goes with this stuff. More on the rally and the trip to the Ape Camp later, right now I just want to transcribe the opening speech from the rally itself. I bought a cassette of it afterwards. As rallies go, it was ridiculously rousing, and only confirms everything I've been thinking about the Chimp.

The rally itself was held down on the old festival grounds, they set up a big tent and had all these people out front blowing trumpets in front of these big banners that said HOORAY FOR THE CIGAR SMOKING APE and THREE CHEERS FOR THE CIGAR SMOKING APE. It was intense. There were maybe a couple hundred people there, and we all packed into the tent and sat on folding chairs. After the trumpet players came in and did a fanfare, Dagfinn Thune (he's Finnish) came onstage. He's the Group Leader for this region.

Here's the transcript of his opening speech:


I hesitate to mention The Cigar Smoking Ape--Live! At the Mecca Auditorium! Always Free! The subject has been covered, The Cigar Smoking Ape has been written about, sung and shouted about, analyzed by prestigious panels of prizewinning thinkers and interpreted in dance and dumbshow.

But there are still those who haven't taken The Cigar Smoking Ape to heart, and it's to you to whom I address myself, you cold and miserly souls in your fancy mansions with your cognac and mints, sitting in your huge leather "You're fired!" chairs and manufacturing misery at every turn.

Because from around the globe to Every Friday at the Mecca Auditorium! Always Free! The Cigar Smoking Ape Will Take You All the Way!

He's a 400 meter runner competing against impossible odds.

He's a kicking rock & roller who puts Senor "Pelvis" Wences to cry all the way home shame.

He's The Cigar Smoking Ape. He is coming--Live! At the Mecca Auditorium! And He will Ape us. As circles increase ever tighter this new century, this new millennium, this newborn beginning, The Cigar Smoking Ape will lead us unto where Apes will Ape the Aping of Apes, an Ape conundrum, a spirited debate where Apes evolved from men.

The risks are enormous. Men can develop breasts, and women can produce body hair. This explains athletes and urine samples. More positive results are offered when we take The Cigar Smoking Ape to heart.

A special panel has been established to overview those who lay claim to Ape, who take Ape's name as their own, but who may merely attend pretense to Ape as Ape is. It is these latter who have the most to fear.

Give Ape a chance--Every Friday at the Mecca Auditorium! Always Free! The Cigar Smoking Ape will Take You All the Way! He will delight young and old alike, He will make you question the very shoes you're standing in--this month also featuring Carson and Barnes on their fabulous sway poles and Rusty the Talking Dog.

Three cheers for The Cigar Smoking Ape!

All of us, we would all do well to live our lives as a giant thanks for what He has done, for He, and He only, is the one and true Cigar Smoking Ape!

Hooray! Hooray for The Cigar Smoking Ape!

Thanks for all the entertainment! Thanks for all the enlightenment!

The Cigar Smoking Ape--Live! At the Mecca Auditorium! Always Free! The Cigar Smoking Ape Will Take You All the Way!

( . . . )

And that was just the beginning of the rally. I mean, wow. How could I not get on the bus and join everybody at Ape Camp after that?

Sunday, September 17, 2006


Lord. Last night I met a guy named--really, seriously, I'm not kidding--named Buttplow. He was dressed all wild west show of yesteryear, with these fringed gauntlets on his wrists with great big letter B's, with a belt buckle with a great big letter B, with these cowboy boots that had great big letter B's.


And do you know what he tried to do to me? I'll give you three guesses. And he told me, "I'll bet you get whiter and pinker every day."

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Well, I've got a rally to go to, so off I go!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

A Pretty Good Example

Saw this listing on the television guide channel: "The New Adventures of Pinocchio: Gepetto screws a puppet after drinking an elixir." It's another sign of it all going down the drain. This is why the deal with the Ape makes so much sense right now.

Friday, September 15, 2006

It's True That a Chimp Shall Lead us

I've recently discovered the truth of this, that a chimp shall lead us. It's so simple.