The Cigar Smoking Ape Will Take You All the Way!

Yow, that was more than a rally, that was an experience. I didn't get back home until late last night and am I ever exhausted. I had no idea I'd be gone for days, but that's the way it goes with this stuff. More on the rally and the trip to the Ape Camp later, right now I just want to transcribe the opening speech from the rally itself. I bought a cassette of it afterwards. As rallies go, it was ridiculously rousing, and only confirms everything I've been thinking about the Chimp.

The rally itself was held down on the old festival grounds, they set up a big tent and had all these people out front blowing trumpets in front of these big banners that said HOORAY FOR THE CIGAR SMOKING APE and THREE CHEERS FOR THE CIGAR SMOKING APE. It was intense. There were maybe a couple hundred people there, and we all packed into the tent and sat on folding chairs. After the trumpet players came in and did a fanfare, Dagfinn Thune (he's Finnish) came onstage. He's the Group Leader for this region.

Here's the transcript of his opening speech:

THE CIGAR SMOKING APE WILL TAKE YOU ALL THE WAY!

I hesitate to mention The Cigar Smoking Ape--Live! At the Mecca Auditorium! Always Free! The subject has been covered, The Cigar Smoking Ape has been written about, sung and shouted about, analyzed by prestigious panels of prizewinning thinkers and interpreted in dance and dumbshow.

But there are still those who haven't taken The Cigar Smoking Ape to heart, and it's to you to whom I address myself, you cold and miserly souls in your fancy mansions with your cognac and mints, sitting in your huge leather "You're fired!" chairs and manufacturing misery at every turn.

Because from around the globe to Every Friday at the Mecca Auditorium! Always Free! The Cigar Smoking Ape Will Take You All the Way!

He's a 400 meter runner competing against impossible odds.

He's a kicking rock & roller who puts Senor "Pelvis" Wences to cry all the way home shame.

He's The Cigar Smoking Ape. He is coming--Live! At the Mecca Auditorium! And He will Ape us. As circles increase ever tighter this new century, this new millennium, this newborn beginning, The Cigar Smoking Ape will lead us unto where Apes will Ape the Aping of Apes, an Ape conundrum, a spirited debate where Apes evolved from men.

The risks are enormous. Men can develop breasts, and women can produce body hair. This explains athletes and urine samples. More positive results are offered when we take The Cigar Smoking Ape to heart.

A special panel has been established to overview those who lay claim to Ape, who take Ape's name as their own, but who may merely attend pretense to Ape as Ape is. It is these latter who have the most to fear.

Give Ape a chance--Every Friday at the Mecca Auditorium! Always Free! The Cigar Smoking Ape will Take You All the Way! He will delight young and old alike, He will make you question the very shoes you're standing in--this month also featuring Carson and Barnes on their fabulous sway poles and Rusty the Talking Dog.

Three cheers for The Cigar Smoking Ape!

All of us, we would all do well to live our lives as a giant thanks for what He has done, for He, and He only, is the one and true Cigar Smoking Ape!

Hooray! Hooray for The Cigar Smoking Ape!

Thanks for all the entertainment! Thanks for all the enlightenment!

The Cigar Smoking Ape--Live! At the Mecca Auditorium! Always Free! The Cigar Smoking Ape Will Take You All the Way!

( . . . )

And that was just the beginning of the rally. I mean, wow. How could I not get on the bus and join everybody at Ape Camp after that?